An Experiment with Observations

I think for someone who does not care much about people in general, I find myself rather concerned with everyone around me.

I think I'm learning how to deal with people better and better everyday. I think I've grown to understand how the general normal thought process works, though I get the occasional curve ball thrown at me. Considering I at one time could not deal with anyone at all, ever, this is a rather grand leap.

Understandably, everyone reaches out to touch, to connect, to feel like someone is listening. Everyone, even I, desire an outside connection. It is an ingrained physical need. We are damaged mentally without those connections.

I've experimented at work with an interesting concept. Mirror neurons in a person's brain cause people to mimic the emotions another person exhibits. If someone else smiles, you will smile in return most of the time, as long as you are in a neutral or happy mood. Even in a poor mood, you are compelled to respond with a smile. My own mirror responses are repaired enough that I react appropriately now, but I'm still able to reteach myself to not respond in the proper manner.

Namely, not smiling when someone smiles at me. Children with autism, or emotionally damaged people often don't respond with a smile when one is offered. Sometimes, such as with autistics, they are simply unable to comprehend the emotion. Someone with some level of sociopathy, as I had at one point, is able to understand and imitate the emotion, but can just as easily choose not to do it. Naturally, a normal thinking person will find this disturbing.

Connected with this is the pleasent tone of voice. Children learn music, in a way, before anything else. The sing-song voice delegated to babies, pets and idiots is meant to soothe (or in the last case, patronize) a person's anxiety. A person will react positively, most of the time, to that soothing, melodic voice tone. With this cheery tone, people know that you are in a good mood. I've greeted many customers with this sing song, cheery tone only to receive blank stares or even glares back.

Now you know why I decided on this experiment. The experiment is to greet in the same cheery tone without the cheery expression. Apparently, this is very confusing to some people. While often people will declare a great amount of frustration with a smile and happy tone, it is not often that a person will greet another with a bright tone without even the hint of a smile. A person is compelled to match their expression with their voices, so its difficult to resist smiling when you can hear yourself sound so cheerful.

The most this experiment has rendered is that people are going to react to a pleasent tone no matter what your expression is, but usually become confused as to why you aren't smiling. This leads to inquiery on your emotional state. Its rather fun, in the end, though I reccommend to anyone dealing with the public to try and smile and bear with it.

People have that habit of wanting to connect to their cashier. If its not connecting with them, then it is treating them like lesser beings. I'm still unsure as to which one annoys me more. I'm tempted to charge a co-pay with how much therapy I'm apparently expected to give, though on the other hand, I really hate being treated as a slave. I do believe that both these urges are perfectly natural.

We want someone to care, so we tell even strangers everything. Otherwise, we want someone that reminds us of how good we have it, so we spit on the people that we can. Anything that results in some kind of connection, and depending on your own personality, it can be positive or negative.

Either way, I am a strange person. I would rather not have any of that unless I pursue it myself, particularly of the negative. I won't smile when I sound cheerful, and I cry when people try to cheer me up. I'm an emotional person living under a self enforced pressure of logical thinking. I think, most of all, I want to catch up to everyone else, because I'm so very behind. Excuse any odd behavior, and be sure to let me know if I'm making mistakes.

iArrive

The only reason I remembered the existence of blogger is the fact that my aunt Robb reminded me of it.

I should write something poignant as my first post. I'm thinking very hard... And I believe I will go with a train of thought.

I notice some of my most interesting writing utilizes Grecian levels of tragedy at times. I wonder what that says about myself. Then I stop wondering, because it very obviously points out that I'm a rather depressed person.

Another note: After reviewing my favorites out of my list of characters, I found that each of them hide who they are. Not at normal levels, though Sorano is rather close to normal levels of hiding. I have one character who is so utterly closed off that even those closest to him don't realize exactly how damaged he is. On the other end of the spectrum, and not so mysteriously the most difficult to write is the one character who is completely open with anyone he meets. The problem with him is that he's a psychopath. I love them so.

What the most amusing thing is is that any of my characters could become a favorite of anyone. People are naturally tragic, closed off things. That's not to say that human beings are not social creatures. The problem with being social creatures is fitting in with the rest of the surrounding society. This results in everyone hiding who they are. We are not sheep, after all. Some of us neigh where others tweet, and at times, we are offended by the bellowing of the local cow.

I attempt to live in a place of neutrality, avoiding the conflicts brought on by clashing social interaction. The only problem with doing this is that I have to stamp down my own honest opinions and my own personal views. To me, that's an awful thing to do. Recently my internal self has been shouting out and telling me that I should be a more honest human being. The part of me that strives for self preservation has been winning in this battle, and I've kept my mouth shut.

The base issue of continually crushing who you are is that inevitably, it will break out. Recently, my inner self broke out in the most irritating of ways, through a burst of panic and anxiety. When I think about it, trapped animals react in the same way. They wish for freedom, no matter how small the burst, and that brief freedom is often a result of panic. The more base creatures of the world do not frown upon these wild acts of anxious abandon. I'm sadly a member of the more complex, and I feel the frowns, even if they are not there.

In exchange for sacrificing who I am by force, I find I enjoy sacrificing who I am by choice through cosplay, and roleplay. To act, and become someone else for a time, and to have others accept it is an enjoyable thing, especially when the acting is a part of your core self. A part that you've preserved and cultivated over the years. And I do believe I'm a fine actor. After all, people believe me to be their best of friend when I can barely stand the thought of being around them.

Writing, I feel, is a fine reflection of yourself. My writing is tragic, filled with characters who can't face themselves, or allow others to see who they honestly are. My favorite endings to these stories is when they do finally allow people in, and are happier for it. I don't find it strange that none of my stories with these endings have ever been completed to my satisfaction. I consider it a fine parallel to the fact that I haven't had my satisfying moment of clarity.

I do find it irritating that I haven't been able to write anything of worth in weeks now.

In the mean time, I give you an example of Grecian tragedy, in form of fanfiction:

http://nobiwriting.livejournal.com/3293.html#cutid1

Enjoy whatever else you may find on there, if it pleases you.

~Nobi~